My daddy brought me a new matteress today! It is like one of those tempurpedic fom really nice ones. Crossing my fingers I will have no more back pain.

*A father can be instantly upgraded to a daddy when he buys things, hehe.

So, right now I am killing time while I'm dieing my hair. In the past month I have cut it, highlighted it, chemically straightened it, and now I'm dieing it. None of the previous actions has really improved it, so the worst that can happen is that is will all fall out. My take on the situation, is the hair grows, so it really doesn't matter. It is a very liberating standpoint. People keep asking me if I cried when I got it cut. (F.Y.I. the answer is no.)

Last night I went up to PA for my cousin's confermation celebration. It was really nice; I love getting to see everyone. Mom had to work late though, so it was just Dad and me that went up, and I don't think I've spent that much time alone with my father in a confined space for as long as I can remember. The drive up was silent for most of it. The drive back we talked, which I thought was good, but apparently he told mom he didn't have that take on it. I don't know, I know he loves me, but I'm not sure I'm ever really going to have a relationship with him. All in all though, I had  spelendid time, and I'm glad I went.

My burn is healing quite nicely.

I think I might be going to buy a new matteress today!!!! Yippeee!!! Mine right now is so old and terrible, my back hurts everyday, and I'm far to young for that.

I'm sooooo stressed out. I could barely sleep last night because I couldn't quiet my mind. There is so much going on up there right now, and I'm scared and anxious. Then today I lost my keys. I have zero clue how I lost them, but now I'm stuck at the school till mom can bring me the spare. I feel like such a spaz.

I'm scared that I'm terribly flawed. I mean, we all have our flaws, but maybe mine make me unlikable, and I'm not even aware of what I'm doing. It only took Ryan a week to decide that my flaws made me unlikable, and now Kiersten see them, and I don't want to lose the people I cherish, and I don't want to be this person that I didn't even know I've become. I need to figure out what I am doing wrong and change it. I was so proud of myself that I was happy and found myself and maybe I misplaced myself this winter and didn't even realize it. I want to be a good person; a better person. I feel so deeply about people and I don't know what I'm doing wrong but I want to fix it.

I'm losing weight again and going to the gym. I want to rebuild me. I'm so scared of losing everyone, and I'm stressed about finding a job. I'm going back to my psychologist for the first time in years this week, so maybe that will help straighten things out. The semester is almost over. I just get so internally worked up, and right now I feel sick to my stomach and like my heart is beating harder that normal. I feel like I want to cry and my eyes are as dry as the Sahara. Maybe I am PMSing and everything looks like a wreck but it is really ok. It just feels like my life is on very unstable ground and as happy as I am most of the time (and I have been really happy like 90% of the time) I need to get it steady.

I know that no matter what I do, I can't ever make everyone in the world like me. But I want to be a good and neat enough person for my friend to at least genuinely think I'm great, because I honestly believe my friends are great.